Those of you who know me know that I hate trucks....with a passion. And it's recently come to my attention, that as a TexAn, I do in fact need a truck somewhere in my lifetime. I'm fine with that in fact I've come to terms with trucks on that level.
So I'm sitting at home, watching the game, and I get bombarded by truck ads. Dodge Ram with its hemi engine as the official truck of truckville, Ford's new f-150 with quiet steel built ford tough, and Chevy Silverado with its Quadra steer built like a rock. All of these ads somehow someway proclaim themselves the truck of Texas, or preferred by TexAns. As a TexAn, I am offended.
I'm gonna start off on Silverado, yeah; while I do like the basic shape of this model truck, I notice that the headlights, are aerodynamic and the grill is flashy. Why? Upon further review, I've come to stumble hard on a fact here, there's more plastic in the damn body of this truck then a bucket full of legos. And what's with the z-71 or 4x4 stickers on the side? Way too flashy to be a TexAn's truck, way to plastic to be a TexAn's truck. An this Quadra steer. What the fuck is up with that? Trucks are supposed to be hard to maneuver; they're not built for a regular parking space. If you notice the parking lot to a hardware store, the spaces are bigger for a reason.....they're for trucks. Your not suppose to go to the mall in a truck, or the olive garden in a truck. It’s just not feasible. But I guess enough women drivers have complained to the Chevy motor company for them to bend their back axles to them. Pussies!
And now, we got ourselves the f-150. The new one that ford won't shut up about. Quiet steel. Why on god's green earth was this invented? For the love of all that is good, it's supposed to be a truck! Trucks are loud, and while driving a truck you should feel every bump on the road. And the headlights.....my god, I thought the Silverado's face features were bad, Jesus Christ! The headlights are...I'm gonna say it, butt-ugly on that size a truck. Smaller lesser trucks can get away with it, but not this large piece of crap. Again, there's alot of plastic on the face of this truck, not what true TexAns want. And what's with the special editions? Ford comes out with a Harley Davidson f-150, a king ranch f-150, and an Eddie Bauer f-150. Eddie fucking Bauer, some sort of designer or something right? That's not TexAn, and if Mr. King ever saw his name on a truck like this, he would demand to be buried on his land in Australia, and when buried there he would roll over in his grave.
And finally the Dodge ram. You think I've gone a little too far on the other trucks listed, oh man, you might want to leave the thread right now. First of all, the face. I hereby proclaim it, the ugliest truck in Texas. By far. The grill is just stupid looking, no question about it. Especially the ones with the grill the same color as the rest of the body. And the headlights, they look like an aftermarket type of headlight that some kid riding around in his import car would order. this goes to all the truck makers.....trucks are not suppose to look Euro, or Import looking, they're suppose to look plain, not flashy. What ever happened to the nice square headlight? Or the round ones? Ok, enough about the face. Moving on to the rims, 20 inch rims.
ok, tell you what, I'll let it slide, I could easily understand why some people want bigger rims. Fine. But the tires that come on this truck. Stock. 
what the fuck is dodge thinking? Z-spec tires on a truck. For those of you who aren't tire guru's, z-spec tires allow you to go high speeds on them, as in they're racing tires. And they're on a truck! I'm not shitting you. I wish I were. Trucks don't go racing! Let's make this perfectly clear, in fact most trucks go off-road quite a bit. How in the good lord's name is a truck with 20 in. rims and z-spec tires suppose to go off-roading? You need mud grips or atleast a respectable truck tire in order for you to do that. Z-spec racing tires on a truck that marks 100 on the gauge, and has a governor that shuts the truck off at 85mph. Jesus Christ, what a waste.
And now, here's another thing that pisses me off. People with these new trucks; accessorize them with grill guards, and headache racks, running bars and chrome in every possible location. What the fuck is up with that? WOMEN accessorize.....ok? Trucks have no real purpose for accessories. The only things trucks really need are winches, and a bumper with a tow ball. (I'll let a chrome tow ball slide if you want to get fancy.) And then there's bed liners.....drop in bed liners or spray on liners and what not. Do you know what a bed liner tells me about the owner? It tells me that this guy wears a pink tutu, and tip toes around his wife because he doesn't want to upset her. Trucks are supposed to have scratches, and a few dents, god willing, in the bed. It shows other people all over the damn place, this here truck has worked, it's hauled something around, I use my truck I don't drive it. People who drive trucks also bitch about how much gas it uses. Maybe the gas would be better used if you didn't drive the damn thing all over the place. Trucks are not vehicles, they're tools, and their sole purpose is to haul something, pull something, and use its torque and horsepower to move something. The objective of a truck as is the objective of any tool is to get a job done. How the hell do you get a job done in a truck with a lift kit on it? How do you put a load of dirt into the bed of a lifted truck? And even if by the grace of god, you pull that off, how do you get it down? It's not reasonable or rational for you to lift a truck.
The real truck of Texas and TexAns is a:
80's model Chevy with a 454 big assed block
80's model Ford with a 460 engine in it.
An old dodge with a classic hemi engine, minus the godamn z-spec tires.
the above should not have a lick of chrome on it (tow ball excluded), a winch (optional), no accessories (grill guard or headache rack or other crap like that), scratches and minor dents on the body, a bare bed, with no liner, and it should be stock height.
Anything else is a glorified station wagon. The new Silverado's, dodge rams, and f-150's are glorified station wagons. Not real trucks of Texas. Anyone that tells me otherwise is disgracing the great state of Texas.
