ClumsyMonkey.net

This is pretty much the first poem type thing that I've ever written.

Edit: Fixed(ish) rythem now up here.

Freedom Rings

Olive drab covers me today
Marching on without a hitch
A western man-made war machine
Boatman of the river Styx

Cold steel in hand, drilling right through
Told to fire in the night
Casings fall to the warm pavement
Freedom rings with every strike

One foot in front of the other
Orders running through my head
One foot in front of the other
“Shoot to kill, be sure they’re dead”

Old wooden shacks on every side
My target comes into sight
A broken-down limestone building
Fallen from explosions bright

Into rubble I slowly move
Wraith at corner of my eye
I turn and look to double check
Was it foeman or ally?

One foot in front of the other
Orders running through my head
One foot in front of the other
“Shoot to kill, be sure they’re dead”

The movement comes again in dark
I fire, aim sure and true
An instant in time, the world stops
My conscience twisted askew

Two big eyes lit by gunshot flame
Fear and pain live and pleading
Time begins to fly by again
There lays the child, small, bleeding

Screaming cries into the darkness
I fall down a guilty wreck
Then get back up and carry on
My job not completed yet

One foot in front of the other
Orders running through my head
One foot in front of the other
“Shoot to kill, be sure they’re dead”

we just finished reading "all quiet on the western front" in english class. the poem fits in nicely with the book's theme.

i enjoyed the poem. nice job.

Rob.

Beautiful diction and imagery. Give the rhythm a little work.

< / professional opinion >

Yeah, I knew there were some rhythm problems in there.

But, hey. What are ya gonna do?

Thanks for your thoughts, guys.

Very insightful...awesome job i love it

this name of this thread is misleading...

I think I've fixed up the rhythm. Should be 8,7,8,7.

Freedom Rings

Olive drab covers me today
Marching on without a hitch
A western man-made war machine
Boatman of the river Styx

Cold steel in hand, drilling right through
Told to fire in the night
Casings fall to the warm pavement
Freedom rings with every strike

One foot in front of the other
Orders running through my head
One foot in front of the other
“Shoot to kill, be sure they’re dead”

Old wooden shacks on every side
My target comes into sight
A broken-down limestone building
Fallen from explosions bright

Into rubble I slowly move
Wraith at corner of my eye
I turn and look to double check
Was it foeman or ally?

One foot in front of the other
Orders running through my head
One foot in front of the other
“Shoot to kill, be sure they’re dead”

The movement comes again in dark
I fire, aim sure and true
An instant in time, the world stops
My conscience twisted askew

Two big eyes lit by gunshot flame
Fear and pain live and pleading
Time begins to fly by again
There lays the child, small, bleeding

Screaming cries into the darkness
I fall down a guilty wreck
Then get back up and carry on
My job not completed yet

One foot in front of the other
Orders running through my head
One foot in front of the other
“Shoot to kill, be sure they’re dead”

really good Rob. the last stanza reminds me a little of that Matt Good song.
(and yea, i was also mislead by the title of this thread)

Thanks

I'll change the title for you dirty minded individuals.

aw, thanks Rob!

What was the title before?

The title of the thread was "My first"

Outposted ya.

now it seems like its about freedom/fries/onion rings.

nice work by the way.

OH YEAH

Now I remember. I was like, umm... Rob?

*revives very old thread*

I'm working on re-fixing the rythem and working on some music. I've got a slightly haunting riff to use, and it'll just carry through the whole song. The "chorus" will only be separated by the way it's sung.

sweet.


have you written anything new?

Nope. I've mostly been playing around with new riffs lately, and I stumbled on one that works well with the tone of this song. Now I just need to do some fine tuning on it, and then perhaps I'll record it and give you all a listen.

But don't get your hopes up. This could take a while, between school and trying to actually write this, I won't be able to get it done too soon.