huh?OLPFan420 wrote:I like it. It's simple and for some reason I have that feeling that it's like Alkaline Trio's "Cop" which is a good thing.
Purely Poetry
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Sufjan Stevens
- Posts: 6738
- Joined: 3/17/2002, 12:25 pm
- Location: Detroit, MI
What you wrote is simple and to the point, like Alkaline Trio's "Cop" which is a good song.
I faced death. I went in with my arms swinging. But I heard my own breath and had to face that I'm still living. I'm still flesh. I hold on to awful feelings. I'm not dead... My chest still draws breath. I hold it. I'm buoyant. There's no end.
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sandsleeper
- Posts: 4210
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- Location: Long Island, NY / Montréal, QC
- Contact:
scribbled this down the other night:
looking at your feet i wonder
i think only of myself
three faces transparent
floating
over your shoes
fingers clicking pen remind me
i'm not taken like a shot
three faces indifferent
blinking
looking away
glancing at your face i pull back
eyes drop back onto the floor
three faces imagined
watching
the clicking pen
looking at your feet i wonder
i think only of myself
three faces transparent
floating
over your shoes
fingers clicking pen remind me
i'm not taken like a shot
three faces indifferent
blinking
looking away
glancing at your face i pull back
eyes drop back onto the floor
three faces imagined
watching
the clicking pen
Lick a finger: feel the now.
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christa lynn
- Posts: 672
- Joined: 3/19/2002, 2:40 pm
- Location: UBC
- Contact:
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sandsleeper
- Posts: 4210
- Joined: 4/15/2002, 8:41 pm
- Location: Long Island, NY / Montréal, QC
- Contact:
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sandsleeper
- Posts: 4210
- Joined: 4/15/2002, 8:41 pm
- Location: Long Island, NY / Montréal, QC
- Contact:
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happening fish
- Posts: 17934
- Joined: 3/17/2002, 11:22 am
He stood quietly as the cold foam lapped at his toes
Seeking to draw him in with silent promises
He watched the waves as they rose and fell
Their steady monotony marking the passage of time
Little pebbles eddied around his feet as skin sank into sand
Cool ankles were embraced by the shifting liquid surface
He threw his head back and sighed at the sky
Which laughed down at him, a foolish human
Seeking to draw him in with silent promises
He watched the waves as they rose and fell
Their steady monotony marking the passage of time
Little pebbles eddied around his feet as skin sank into sand
Cool ankles were embraced by the shifting liquid surface
He threw his head back and sighed at the sky
Which laughed down at him, a foolish human
awkward is the new cool
[url]gutterhome.blogspot.com[/url]
[url]gutterhome.blogspot.com[/url]
result of a sonnet assignment senior year:
We dwell inside their leaden dreams
built from remains of crumbled tow’rs,
and pay our debts in flattened hours
while swallowing our well-earned screams.
But you and I, who suffocate
while gazing out upon the gloom,
feel not that life will spell our doom,
but give us chance to shatter Fate-
We’ll free our wills with Fury’s knife
and desp’rately fight Hell’s decree;
Though exiled twice and weary, we
will sep’rately forge roads toward life.
We’ll walk apart, but not alone-
Our visions leading onward, home.
We dwell inside their leaden dreams
built from remains of crumbled tow’rs,
and pay our debts in flattened hours
while swallowing our well-earned screams.
But you and I, who suffocate
while gazing out upon the gloom,
feel not that life will spell our doom,
but give us chance to shatter Fate-
We’ll free our wills with Fury’s knife
and desp’rately fight Hell’s decree;
Though exiled twice and weary, we
will sep’rately forge roads toward life.
We’ll walk apart, but not alone-
Our visions leading onward, home.
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christa lynn
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- Joined: 3/19/2002, 2:40 pm
- Location: UBC
- Contact:
It's good. Neat rhyme pattern (it's a version of the Italian sonnet I think, right?). The only thing that could possibly be wrong with it is that sonnets are almost always iambic pentameter, and yours isn't. If you don't know what iambic pentameter is, then don't bother. It's nit-picky anyway.
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veryoldshoelace
- Posts: 437
- Joined: 3/18/2002, 7:09 pm
^ good! 
"How can we justify spending so much on destruction and so little on life?" Matthew Good
"The white dove is gone, the one world has come down hard, so why not share the pain of our problems, when all around are wrong ways, when all around is hurt, i'll roll up in an odd shape and wait, untill the tide has turned.....with anger, i'm dead weight, i'm anchored"- IME, God Rocket (Into the Heart of Las Vegas) ^ Some say this song is about a terrorists thoughts before 911
"Pray for the sheep" Matt Good
"But it's alright, take the world and make it yours again" Matt Good
I felt it in the wind, and i saw it in the sky, i thought it was the end, i thought it was the 4th of July.
"Hold on, hold on children, your mother and father are leaving, hold on, hold on children your best freind's parents are leaving, leaving,.......*AHHH*! " - Death From Above - Black History Month
"The white dove is gone, the one world has come down hard, so why not share the pain of our problems, when all around are wrong ways, when all around is hurt, i'll roll up in an odd shape and wait, untill the tide has turned.....with anger, i'm dead weight, i'm anchored"- IME, God Rocket (Into the Heart of Las Vegas) ^ Some say this song is about a terrorists thoughts before 911
"Pray for the sheep" Matt Good
"But it's alright, take the world and make it yours again" Matt Good
I felt it in the wind, and i saw it in the sky, i thought it was the end, i thought it was the 4th of July.
"Hold on, hold on children, your mother and father are leaving, hold on, hold on children your best freind's parents are leaving, leaving,.......*AHHH*! " - Death From Above - Black History Month
BTW Very Good happeninfish!
"How can we justify spending so much on destruction and so little on life?" Matthew Good
"The white dove is gone, the one world has come down hard, so why not share the pain of our problems, when all around are wrong ways, when all around is hurt, i'll roll up in an odd shape and wait, untill the tide has turned.....with anger, i'm dead weight, i'm anchored"- IME, God Rocket (Into the Heart of Las Vegas) ^ Some say this song is about a terrorists thoughts before 911
"Pray for the sheep" Matt Good
"But it's alright, take the world and make it yours again" Matt Good
I felt it in the wind, and i saw it in the sky, i thought it was the end, i thought it was the 4th of July.
"Hold on, hold on children, your mother and father are leaving, hold on, hold on children your best freind's parents are leaving, leaving,.......*AHHH*! " - Death From Above - Black History Month
"The white dove is gone, the one world has come down hard, so why not share the pain of our problems, when all around are wrong ways, when all around is hurt, i'll roll up in an odd shape and wait, untill the tide has turned.....with anger, i'm dead weight, i'm anchored"- IME, God Rocket (Into the Heart of Las Vegas) ^ Some say this song is about a terrorists thoughts before 911
"Pray for the sheep" Matt Good
"But it's alright, take the world and make it yours again" Matt Good
I felt it in the wind, and i saw it in the sky, i thought it was the end, i thought it was the 4th of July.
"Hold on, hold on children, your mother and father are leaving, hold on, hold on children your best freind's parents are leaving, leaving,.......*AHHH*! " - Death From Above - Black History Month
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PeaceEleven
- Posts: 389
- Joined: 3/13/2002, 3:46 am
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sandsleeper
- Posts: 4210
- Joined: 4/15/2002, 8:41 pm
- Location: Long Island, NY / Montréal, QC
- Contact:
this is great, i love how it twists at the endhappeninfish wrote:He stood quietly as the cold foam lapped at his toes
Seeking to draw him in with silent promises
He watched the waves as they rose and fell
Their steady monotony marking the passage of time
Little pebbles eddied around his feet as skin sank into sand
Cool ankles were embraced by the shifting liquid surface
He threw his head back and sighed at the sky
Which laughed down at him, a foolish human
Lick a finger: feel the now.
