ClumsyMonkey.net

I wrote this in about half an hour tonight. I am shocked it took that long, but whatever. Please comment and share some things that I can change to improve it. Thanks.

Headless Rats
Such a nice, lovely world we live in, and a great land we pledge allegiance to
We turn for help in television, expecting a distant man to review
Our pressing problems and phobias, the foibles in life we think hold us back
Expecting a man that doesn't care, to fix all our dilemas and our lacks

We pledge blindly to a man that we do not know
Waiting for bits of knowledge for him to bestow
The answers publicly through a television show

So live your lives as headless rats
Following all these savage cats
Leaving you robbed, blind as a bat

We're controlled by a power hungry man, and follow orders from that maniac
A pompous ass sending out lives away, choosing not to think before he attacks
We have no choice but to have faith, other opinions don't matter, they're cut out
For now we'll live our lives in fear and in awe at how he possesses so much clout

We follow him in an orderly, straight line
Our families and free speech are left behind
Good-bye to our lives because away, they've been signed

So live your lives as headless rats
Following all these savage cats
Leaving you robbed, blind as a bat

i like it. I think the second stanza could use some work, particularly the last 2 lines of it, but all in all, good job.

You people suck. Why won't you comment or anything?

i like it Alan especially the first stanza.

comments are hard to come by on the CM. you'll find out.

Jesus, I just wanted to know if I could fix anything. I would prefer silence over people going "good" and attaching a smiley face. There's something about insincere praise that bothers me...sorry Caitlin, I am not specifically pointing you out. I used to post my little songs on here and all I would get is a "good job" five times over then my song would disappear from the board.

Fine. It is a good concept, but a lot of the rhymes are forced and the rhythm is indiscernable.

Meh. I would like some ideas to fix it. Just telling me it sucks doesn't help, now does it? Meh, just some one lock and/or delete this from the board. I will keep my shit to myself. I tried twice and I'm done.

I didn't say it sucked. You wanted to know what could be improved and I told you. I figured you were smart enough to understand me without my having to give a million examples. You asked for feedback so quit whining

true. she gave feedback after you asked for it and then you seemed displeased.

"television show" seems forced.
so does "how he posesses so much clout"

and maybe look for some other words to substitute inplace of man. its in there quite a few times.

Alright, thanks. That is the feedback I want. Was it that hard?

yes. excruciatingly

you're a funny man.

Half an hour seems like a short time to me. How long has it usually taken you to write your other songs, Alan?

Well, usually I churn them out in 20-30 minutes. There have been two that took me like a day to write in its entirety, but those were really long ones for me. And no, I won't put them on the board, they're a little too personal.

Kiss me once in the snow wrote:Good-bye to our lives because away, they've been signed

the wording is awkward

change it to our lives because they've been signed... then put away on the next line all by itself. if this is a song, away would be shouted.

more generally, it's too wordy. cut to the chase. trim the fat.

So the problems lie in the second half. I will rework it tomorrow.

cut out a's, an's, and the's and pronouns

not all of them, but some of them take up space

lovely world instead of nice, lovely world

stuff like that